Symptoms of an Outcast

Sitting
Staring
at nothing in particular.

Running
panting
not very peculiar

Maybe this is how its supposed to be;
maybe this is me.
Every now, every then
its always these symptoms of an outcast,
turning me upside down again.

Always them, ever me?
I'm severed into pieces of ripped up integrity.
"unintentionally"?

Maybe this is how its supposed to be;
maybe this is me. 
Every now, every then
its always these symptoms of an outcast,
turning me upside down again.

Maybe this is how its supposed to be
my systems of an outcast
turn me upside down

Maybe this is how its supposed to end
Maybe this ain't me.

The Truth I've Lived Without Knowing

I get it now,
it's all connected.
My life
I couldnt help myself,
and no one was ready
for who i was.
you dont have to hand me lies
you dont know how much i hate those.
be staight up
just shut up
and tell me
you didnt want me.
atlest not yet.
but i know thats not for sure.
Each breath i take
each waking moment im feeling alive
it's not fair to you.
So I'll stay out of your way,
like ive always been.
But this time with a purpose.
To not burden you anymore.
I sound so naive
i know you think this
but it's what is necessary
So i will go on to
distance myself,
i will go on,
to not be around anymore,
to show how much i love you.

You Were My Sight For Sore Eyes

Paranoia drives me
i can't see you anymore.
This is no dream
We all just need a silent cry
We all just need a night on our own
to be wreckless.
why can't i see you?
i'm not blind anymore
but you're gone now
Show me the way
i'll show you mine.
how can life be so cruel
it's bittersweet
honey i can see now

My Precious Glass

You make yourself
clear as glass,
What you think of me.
The way i "act"
The way i "speak"
The way i "seem"
The way i don't move,
The way i don't talk,
I want to see through you,
but you appear everywhere,
Especially nowhere.
I want to break the glass,
and not care.
I want to make my walls,
and put you on its other side.
You don't deserve to know me,
Let me know when you do.

Dont Pity Me, I Just Needed Help

Gazes, and stares
of feared pain
of hopeful forgiveness

Your words nearly stab me
so just stab me.
I don't want your pity

You hugs suffocate me
with forced happiness.
Please don't make me fake

Pity the fool who is not me.
I cry not for attention
I died for your help.

My heart is weak
growing weaker.
My soul ages
as my body slows its pace

I'm gone,
And it was too late.

Shut Up And Trust Me

I can.
You can.
She could.
We could.

So why didn't
I
you
she
we?

Know that
I will,
and
We will,
so just
Shut up and trust me.

'you should'
'you should'
that's all she told you isn't it?
but you are
you
are imperfection

Know that
you are
you
are perfect
for being imperfect.

Know that
you are
you
and be damned proud of it.

Make it
so everyone sees your flaw
Make it
so they love you for it
Make it
so you know you're only human.
Make it
so you can

Shut up and trust me.

Disrespected

"it's good"
in other words
why don't you just keep it like that
in other words
why don't you just keep it ordinary
in other words
why don't you just keep it the way it is
because there is no way this can get you anywhere
is that what you mean?
because i don't hear anything along the lines of
why aren't you successful
why aren't you taking it further
Well
why aren't you on my side
why aren't you supporting
this,
me?

Parenting

Your compliments
are empty
with no support.

Your words
are suffocating
I cannot speak on my own.

Your belief in me
is nonexistant
and all i can do
is use it to drive
my hard work harder,

to show you that
you were wrong,
though you'll never admit it,
won't even apologize,
but that's all right,

because it'll hit you
like you hit me.

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What Do You Want From Me?

I express my passion to you and you shut it away
like it is pointless
like what i do is preposterous
like what i enjoy will get me nothing in life.
so i try to impress you by changing
but it only worsen,
and instead of shunning it,
you competely disagree with me
and want me to do something,
something you believe much more productive.
Which in my eyes is
boring as hell.

Yes i will agree it is not a bad thing,
but i will never do such a thing,
for it is not me.

But how can you just sit there
and turn everything i love to do
away?
How can you just let me lose myself and fade away
all i can do now is just exist.
no life
no death...

Lies

Everyone does it...
It is inevitable,
they fix nothing,
they are selfish.
The first one,
its reason is
for your own pleasing.
You may seem like making peace,
but War is ready to come,
so you damn well be prepared
for a shitload.

My Addiction To Escape

It is my only escape,
I am in my own little world and
i will never have to think about
your face,
what you did to me.
I can just keep going and going,
I'll never stop.
I can't,
I won't let myself
stop and think of the pain i will never be able to rid from.
But this is my only escape,
though it will slowly kill me outside,
i'm dead inside;
and so it shouldn't have to matter anymore.
So why is fear still flowing through my lifeless veins?

I Don't Belong...

Is it normal?
Am I?
Because I think I need to die...
I don't want to though,
but I do feel that,
my life is only being lived for personal greed,
a life of true happiness, that's it...
And I cannot stand it.
The selfishness,
it's not proper.
I don't feel good...
Should I disappear,
for good, that is...
My purpose doesn't seem good enough,
for my own self.
So I can't be good enough for anyone else,
right?

Dwelling Is an Unhealthy Symptom

How does someone prevent themselves
from dwelling on something they truly love?
It's not possible is it?
To love something means it is constantly on the mind.
You won't leave mine.
I see you face perfectly,
Everyday.
Everyday it shatters me again
and again.
So much i can barely feel it but it's not ignoreable...
The scars multiply.
The pain festers.
My smiles grow to plasticity...
No sincerity flows at all,
and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm sick of this,
not knowing...
I should leave but my pathetic soul
it is fearful of the intense,
excruciating agony to withhold.
So what now?

Content. Just Content...

I think i've found it,
without the need or support of love.
I find my punching bag on the ground,
right under my nose.
I feel...content, i think that's it.
I wouldn't want anything better or worse.
Yes...
I loved it,
for I can finally have complete vent
and closure of my raging emotions and
deathly imaginative thoughts.
In truth I have a true smirk--
no, smile in complete content.
Finally can i believe
Love is not needed
Love is not wanted
at this point at least...
I'm giving myself as much time as needed or more,
because of you...
Thank You.

I'm losing it, I know...

I'm sick of it...
Confusion.
Causing much wanted suffocation deep
within my lungs by only me
for i can not handle this...
my pain hurts
and now worse.
i'm not blaming you,
its my fault...
shortened breaths, shorter
quicker
lessened
enough was enough...
my body is here, yes.
my soul? i don't think so...

Left To Temptation

'i'm back'
it whispered
so close
it was enticing...
to him at least.
the sharpness; it felt
pain;
pure temptation.
eyes of an empty thought,
or two...
a tug
a pull.
Lead to
a give,
no more than a take
then
a jerk and a drag.
Down to earth,
then lower.
Difficulty in catching one breath,
closing in, around the neck
smother me
Suffocation in
a strangle from two hands
of my own..
choke
empty and useless...

Look what happens when i mess up..

FAILURE
DISGRACE
DISRESPECTFUL
UNFAITHFUL
DISHONOR
UNTRUSTFUL
USELESS
VALUELESS
MISJUDGEMENT
ERROR..
You don't understand the pain and effort i have to get through just to get your approval.
for every single thing and detail...
Just to make you proud.
I care,
for every slip up i make is like 1000 slashes to the face because i'm scared you'd disown me and be ashamed...
I fear that to my life...
For i'm like a ticking emotional time bomb,
anything will set me off and its agony spreads and hurts...

Why Don't I Know?

Why didn't you tell me?
excuses..excuses...
BULL SHIT
Were you not aware?
you didn't have time, is that it?
YEAH RIGHT
you didn't want to care about what was happening to me.
and u let me fear myself without truly understanding.
Do you even know what i went through?
all you say to me me is
Why?
or
I understand just tell me..
WELL OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T
because if you did i wouldn't have had to hide it from you
what i have had to do to help myself...
well it'll all be too late now...
better safe than sorry, right?
You're not always going to be right...

Hiding Behind My Fake Smile...

Saddness isn't safe to be,
around here.
locked up inside,
painlessness is surreal...
is dangerous...

Know what you're doing...

What's going on?
Why are you telling me this?
What happened to 'stop being in a box'?
Now u force me to trap myself in here?
Once i starting becoming myself nonetheless...
Why are you doing this?
Do you not even know what to do with me?
If so then leave me be and i will decide for you...
If not, then please elaborate,
because it seems you've lost me and i don't want you to get me back.
Maybe next time you'll understand...

Suicide isn't the answer...

Everyday after school I'd wonder..."What would happen if I just suddenly died...Who would care?...Who wouldn't care??...Would it make a difference??...."As continued thinking I decided..."My life is too busy to be taken away...I want to help everyone so that they can somehow reach happiness...or a goal...I have too much going on in my life to suddenly die...If I were to die anytime soon I would want it to happen after I have reached two major goals in my life....Knowning that when i left i was happy aswell....

I'm Dying...Inside..

Three years of middle school....ruined, wasted, in the past... in present day comes to realization that i'm alone, as it has been... will be and always, forever. Hoping for the hopeless, having faith in nothing to come. Waiting patiently for a sign, anything to keeping going. For so long yearning for an understander, someone who can let me out of my cage. For now, i'm a lost, beaten puppy, looking for an accepting owner to love. Three years of wasteful thoughts of nothing in return of so much generosity. A lonely angel, seeing and helping happiness, but not experiencing it herself. Alone. AGAIN. Is there someone there that can see my invisible form...feeling as i'm an easily forgotten person. Giving nothing but hard work and the strength of hope. But what's the use now, for my realization. Slowly losing hope. slowly losing myself. What am I becoming? Who am I? I look to find that ONE to pull me from this dreaded place....my mind.

Broken Inside....

Why is it that everything that is sewn up, falls apart again...?
must my heart shatter into a million pieces over and over again? because it hurts...
you mean everything to me but when THAT is brougtht up it crushes me inside...
i know your not aware but i dont have the heart to tell you because thinking about it makes me cry a river...
i love you and i want to be with you forever but i want you to understand that it kills me when you want to talk about THAT...
I keep tellin myself 'if only you knew' 'if only you knew'...
because if only you knew how much it struck me
youd stop, but i dont want your pity,
i need your love...
and even if i told you,
you'd ask why i hadnt before, but its all because i love you...

No Regret Life

Refrain from fear,
as though it shall be pain to come.
Refrain from hesitance,
as if you may be misguided to misfortune.
Chase after the risk,
for it is once and never
will be again...

Pain Is A Rain Cloud

Pain is a rain cloud.
Letting emotions take its path,
Rain…
Hail…
Thunder…
Tears of sadness,
Sharp ices of hurt,
Strikes of anger and avenge.
A growing ache,
A crippled heart,
Pain is…

Empty Voice

I cried.
Unstoppable.
WHY?
I don't know.
Emptiness.
WHAT IS THIS FEELING?
I don't know.
Lost.
Lonely.
IS SOMEONE THERE WHO CAN HEAR ME?
I don't know.